Objectives:
- Review common sentence-level errors/issues from graded final drafts of ProjectOne (if you have not done so already)
- Give a final "warning" about potential problems with rough/final drafts of ProjectTwo
- Gather feedback from students' about their impression of the course thus far (best to do these like the first-day writing samples: a few questions to be covered in an anonymous hardcopy draft; ?s I also use: what is have you liked about the class thus far; what do you dislike about the class thus far; what you would you like to see, or see more of, in the class in the future, and how would you describe the class in one word)
- Commence rough draft workshop of ProjectTwo
Second Rough Draft Workshop
Theme
How Can I Fuck up Project Two?
I. By not having a thesis
II. By not having a solid arrangment of support sentences that stay on topic and refer back to the thesis
III. By treating the analysis like a review (a pro/con evaluation) rather than an analysis
IV. By not drawing specifically on the text through quotations, paraphrases, etc.
V. By not taking into account the context and exigence of the piece (why is it being written? In response to what issue or concern? Is it for or against other ideas, writers?)
VI. By not taking audience into consideration (who is the target audience? how will they respond?, etc.)
The Sentence-Level Thunderdome!!!!!
Theme
Example One:
Many Americans feel the 'in to be thin' craze has gone too far. It started as mainly focused towards women but just recently it has also included men to the epidemic. Now, both genders are faced with the idea of perfection.
Weak Points: Somewhat inconcise due to the use of many prepositional phrases here - this inconcision also makes the sentence a little hard to follow.
Possible Revision: Though traditionally focused on women, recently men have also been included in the epidemic.
Example Two:
Since the dawn of time it seems that women have been pressured to uphold the image of a slender, hourglass figure moreso than the male population. This is where marketing, in all economies globally, have taken great advantage of the stereotypical female image obsession. …Beauty and fashion products have been at the top of this particular market for the longest time. However, as times have changed, so have marketing strategies, philosophies, and of course popular thought as well.
Weak Spots: Vague temporal categories; generalizations, "for the longest time" makes me think of a Billy Joel song.
Possible Revisions?:
Example Three:
Just to display the importance of ads in today's world, Ford has recently launched a 100 million dollar campaign lasting a little over 6 months which asks the question if this much money is being spent on advertising how much money is it grossing?
Weak Spots: The old-fashioned "run-on" sentence.
Possible Revision?
Example Four:
Cigarette ads have used celebrities for years, anything to attract potential buyers. This seems especially true around the 1950’s. An endorsement from a movie star seemed to be enough to catch the attention of many people and has been through the years. Perhaps this is a sign that human nature doesn’t change, either way people love their celebrity endorsements.
Weak Spots: Improper use of commas.
Possible Revisions: Cigarette ads have used celebrities for years (anything to attract potential buyers).
Cigarette ads have used celebrities for years - anything to attract potential buyers.
Perhaps this is a sign that human nature doesn't change; either way in any case, people love their celebrity endorsements.
Example Five
Society’s main views on women today in public are quite simple and it’s solely based on their appearance. Women are so uptight and high-strung on the way they look that they’ll go to extreme measures no matter what it takes to look their best. No matter where you look, whether it’s in magazines, billboards, on the side of buses, and of course on television, the marketing of make-up cannot go without being seen on a daily basis.
Weak Spots: Generalizes ("Society's main views"), vague terms (uptight, high-strung), and a string of prepositional phrases ("the marketing of make-up cannot go...")
Possible Revisions?
Rough Draft Grudge Matches
Instructions:
As you critique your peer's paper, please comment on any sentence-level and grammatical errors you detect, as well as any other advice you may have, but please also answer the following nine questions:
1. Does the paper have a clear thesis that follows the "skeletal structure" we've discussed? I.e., doe it both identify the central argument(s) of the work it is analyzing and identify the trope and techniques the author/director uses to make their point(s)?
2. Does the paper have a clear exigence and purpose (by explaining the exigence and importance of the work it is analyzing and/or the exigence and importance of analyzing this piece of work)? Do you have a solid idea of why this argument is an important one and/or why it is or should be interesting to an audience made up of people such as yourself? What is the exigence?
3. Does the project contain ample support statements/support paragraphs that refer to and back up the thesis?
4. What is the strongest part of the paper (most interesting, most powerfully argued, etc.)?
5. What is the weakest part of the paper (or the part that needs to be improved, further developed or extended)?
6. Does the author make appropriate references to particular moments in the text (quotations, paraphrases, etc.)? Are there enough references to both back up the thesis and allow a reader to follow the argument being made?
7. On the sentence-level, did you find the paper to be well written? Does it contain poor grammmar or sentence-fragments? Is it unnecessarily wordy at times?
8. Does the project read like an analysis rather than a review? I.e., does show a clear attention to the structure and technique of the piece rather than simply summarizing it and explaining its strenghts and weaknesses?
9. What grade would you give the paper if it was a final draft?
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